Time to give up

Recently I thought a lot about relationship. Last year, I started dating someone that really liked me but I wasn’t too involved in. I wouldn’t say that I had absolutely no feelings for him, but I didn’t like him to that extent. We dated for 4 months, and toward the end of it I felt really pressured. Every time he cared about my life I felt pressured. I decided to give it up, which I barely had any feelings after the breakup. Which was surprising to me, because I still had feelings toward my ex which we broke up 4 years ago.

Then I noticed a guy in my class, who’s tall, charming, attractive. Though at that time I just got out of the relationship with my ex, he made me forget about him right away. He’s probably the most private person I’ve ever seen. I cannot find any trace of relationship from any social network he has, he doesn’t get on Facebook that often either. Just we happened to be on the same team, we had the chances to hang out. Every time I hang out with him, my heart beat like crazy. I’ve never liked someone this much for a really really long time. When I got close to him, the scent of him attracts me as well. He also teases me all the time. However, unless I initiate a conversation, he never texts/ messages me. He’ll reply if I text him first and then with jokes. I had the illusion that he was interested for the longest time. Because he would care about if I’m getting cold, what I eat, if I cook, my family, my career, etc. But we never talked about relationship, I didn’t even know if he’s dating.

During the semester, there’s an one-week break. Since we were so behind with our project, we decided to meet to discuss about it. We were only supposed to meet for one day, and we ended up meeting for four days consecutively. It was always project, and then dinner, 4 days with 3 different groups of people, and the other time was just us. We went to a relatively high end restaurant, the ambiance was very suitable for dating. I felt it was like a date, and he paid for dinner.

Yesterday, we had dinner together with my friend. After the dinner, we accidentally took each other’s credit cards, since our cards looked exactly the same. I didn’t realize that until this morning I went to get coffee, and I saw his name when I got my card back. I texted him immediately “I think we took each other’s credit card.” He replied so calm “Oh, I think we switched cards by mistake.” I said “I already bought coffee using your card.” He was “It’s OK, no big deal.” I was beyond surprised he wasn’t in a hurry on returning the cards back. I texted him 2 hours after

Me: “Hey, you are not worried I’d spend everything on your card?”

Him: “Go ahead, I’ll just spend double the amount on yours.”

Me: “Oh, then I’m gonna lower my credit limit.”

Him: “Great minds think alike, I already lowered mine.”

Me: “Oh, I better spend it all before you lower it even more.”

Him:”My ex-girlfriend is at my apartment picking her stuff up today, I’m not around. If you don’t have another card, use my card for now.”

I was startled. I had no idea it’s this close he had a girlfriend. I had no idea what she looks like, what she does, what’s her name even. The whole time (almost 2 months) with me thinking about him, there’s another girl in his life. I talked to my friend. I talked to my friend and she said “Switching cards is the perfect excuse if he wants to see you. He didn’t initiate so he doesn’t care.” Though it’s hurting but it’s true. She’s right. He didn’t even care about switching cards with me. If a guy really likes me and wanted to see me, he won’t miss an opportunity like this.

After thinking how I treated my ex, I felt being treated the same way my ex felt the whole time we were dating. I think it’s karma. I kinda deserved it. I never initiated anything with my ex either the whole time we were dating, it’s him that’s making 90% of the effort to make the relationship work. I hide the fact that we were dating from everyone I know and still pretended to be single. He was so nice to bear with me for the whole time until I dumped him.

Why is relationship so hard? How come finding someone that likes you and you like him back is so hard? I feel I’ve been too involved with this guy I had a crush on. It’s time to move on, really. Believe in myself, and start fresh.

Yes I can do it.